The Unravelling
by mark'sbaby
Summary: The title speaks for itself. Sometimes it all gets too much. Slightly AU. I know I took forever to finish this but I got distracted by, um, stuff. Please review this is my first fic!
1. Chapter 1

"In the Marines…"

"We're not in the Marines, Mac. _I_ never was and it's not fair to judge me that way." Danny interrupted, then stopped and brushed his hands through his hair, frustrated. "This department gave me a chance, an opportunity to be somethin' other than what was planned for me in the great tradition of the Messer family." His tone was slightly sarcastic. "But it never once trusted me. Never once had my back. Never once let me forget who I was and where I came from."

He paced away from Mac and back again, tension emanating from him in great waves of frustration and distress. Unusually for the younger man, his clothes were rumpled and his hair stuck out in all directions. For the first time in years Mac thought he looked haggard. His face was pale and drawn. He looked like he was about to collapse.

"You never asked me to prove myself y'know?" He waved his arms around, gesturing. "But I busted my guts to, every single day, just to feel worthy of bein' here, of workin' with this team. And you've never acknowledged that. God, I never thought I needed you to." Wearily his shoulders slumped and he shook his head.

"But I do." He paused. "I did." He clarified. "I needed you to tell me I was doing okay, that _we_ were okay. Hell, I gave up my family for this. _Everything_ for this. All I wanted was _something_ back."

Danny nearly sagged into the chair behind him. He was so exhausted he was only staying upright through sheer willpower; his body was starting to sway if he stopped still and he could feel his knees trying to just give out. Oh, he wanted more than anything to be able to sink to the floor and curl into a ball and wish everything away.

He clenched his jaw. Gritting his teeth against the waves of tiredness. "I can't do this anymore, Mac. I need something back."

Mac stared at the younger man. He was staggered at the sudden turn of events and he didn't have a clue what to say. He wished, desperately and not for the first time, for Stella. His eyes, focussed on Danny's pale face, flickered but his face remained impassive.

Danny felt physically sick and his gut churned, he went hot and cold and his eyes stung.

"I…"

Wordlessly Danny waited for the words he realised now, had somehow always known deep down, he would never hear.

Mac cleared his throat.

"I…"

The words stuck in his throat.

He watched aghast as the younger man fought back tears. As his head sunk to his chest and his shoulders sagged.

Danny slowly reached for his badge and his gun. Weighed them in his hands. Studied them. His badge was slightly tarnished. His lips twisted. Wasn't that ironic?

He couldn't do this anymore. He had given up everything for this and what exactly had he gotten in return? Grief. In various agonising and heart-rending forms: and he had lost his family, Aiden and Louie.

Ever so gently, almost reverently, he placed them on Mac's desk. Looked the older man in the eye, struggling to keep his face carefully blank, and stepped back.

Again Mac opened his mouth to say something. Anything. But nothing came out.

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This is my first fanfiction. Please let me know what you think... it would be very much appreciated - my husband just laughs ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

Did I need to put a disclaimer in? If so, these guys are not mine. They belong to CBS. Bugger.

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He felt like an old man as he forced his aching body to climb out of the cab. He remembered at the last moment to grab his bag before the swinging door closed and the car sped away from the curb.

He stood, swaying, in front of the small, narrow townhouse, suddenly unsure of what to do next. He hadn't exactly thought it through. On leaving the lab his first thought had been to just go home. Not back to his apartment but _home_. Now he was here he had no idea what to do next. Before he could force his exhausted brain to do something the front door opened and _she_ stepped forward.

She looked older than he remembered. But then, shit, how many years was it? Her beautiful dark hair was now liberally streaked with grey, though her face remained as unlined as it had ever been, her frame still petite and on the thinner side of slim. Her chocolate brown eyes narrowed as she studied him, then widened as realisation dawned. Her lower lip trembled and her hands hesitantly reached up to cover her mouth.

Danny knew he had finally reached his limit. Whatever happened here, now, he couldn't, physically or emotionally, go any further. His face crumpled. "Mama."

"Oh! Oh my baby! Oh my sweet baby!" She opened her arms and Danny launched himself into them, dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms around her waist, he buried his face in her warmth and sobbed brokenly as if he would never stop.

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The interior of the house was old but clean and tidy. It showed considerable wear but also love in the way it had been sympathetically repaired and mended over the years. The garden, she could see through the kitchen window, bloomed prettily.

Stella turned and looked at the couple sat at the large, scarred kitchen table. Met their eyes and held them for a moment. "I'm not here as a cop but as his friend. All we want to know is that he's safe, that he's okay."

Stella reached across the table to cover the linked hands. "We all love him. We…" her voice broke, "we just want to know he's okay. _Please._ If you know anything, please say something, anything." She looked earnestly into the older woman's eyes, but the ensuing silence stretched.

It was the older man that finally spoke. His voice was husky and low, and strained, she noted.

"What on earth makes you think he would come here? We haven't seen that boy since he became a cop." He almost spat out the word, surging from his chair and startling Stella enough that she took a few steps backwards.

"Giovanni." Elena Messer reached for her husband's hand to try to calm him. "He left us and we let him." Her carefully blank face cracked a bit, enough for Stella to momentarily see the grief behind it. "It was his decision to become a cop and his decision meant leaving us behind. He never contacted us after that day and," she paused as if to collect herself, "and we never contacted him."

Stella was appalled. "But that was over ten years ago! In all that time… nothing?"

Giovanni rounded on her, "what would you have had us do?! If we had contacted him or… it would have ruined everything for him. It was bad enough…" He broke off knowing he had said too much with even that tiny slip of the tongue.

Stella grabbed onto it with both hands.

"You knew?" The truth slowly dawned. "Everything he went through, has been through would have been ten times worse if he had still been part of this family." She sat down hard next to Elena. "Does he know?" She stopped. "Of course he does."

The older man snorted, turning it into a cough at the look his wife levelled at him.

It was so like Danny it brought tears to Stella's eyes. It didn't go unnoticed by the older couple.

"We've tried everything else." Stella paused. "Please, we just want to know he's okay."

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How was that for a second chapter? Please review, am flying by the seat of my pants here!!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: They are not mine, blah, blah.

By the way, I am based in the UK and so have not seen the new series. Therefore, I'm sorry if any of the following chapters are a little off from the main path after this point.

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Stella strode into Mac's office, her long legs quickly covering the distance and her curly hair streaming behind her like a pennant. Her face was unreadable as she dropped into the first available chair, and threw her arms up in a gesture of frustration.

"Don and I have been all over the damn city and back again. No sign of him". She shook her head. "I thought he would have gone to his parent's house but they swore he wasn't there."

"Do you believe them?" Mac's voice was low and weary.

"No. He's there. But I could hardly force them to hand him over. I just highlighted how important he is to us. Hopefully they'll let us know something when they feel they can."

Mac finally looked up from his work. "Bring him back Stella. Look, don't worry about your current cases; I'll sort something out. Just… find what's wrong and bring him back."

Stella reached across the desk and covered his hand in hers.

"It's not your fault Mac". Her voice was warm and sincere but her eyes were shuttered and Mac stared at her, knowing she did to certain extent blame him, but if he was not mistaken she blamed herself as well.

"It _is_ my fault Stella. Just… bring him back," he repeated quietly.

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Stella stared at the blank computer screen in front of her. _Where to start? _

_Work it like a case_. She murmured to herself. _Look at the evidence and go from there. A timeline could work…_

Stella decided to do a 'Mac' and cleared away the furniture from the glass wall of her office. Grabbing a pen she firmly drew the long horizontal and confidently marked on verticals based on what she knew; the shooting; the Tanglewood case, Louie; Aiden; the bombing; the date Lindsay left; the warehouse incident, and finally the date he disappeared.

Stella stood back.

_Now what? _


	4. Chapter 4

This might seem a little off the main path but I was going for a "Without A Trace" kinda thing with this story. Hopefully it will make more sense after the next few chapters.

Thank you so much for your reviews!! I'm not ignoring them but I had already written some of these chapters and don't have the time at the moment to fiddle with them.

There are no pairings in this story - these guys are just best friends!

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Flack carefully studied the bruises on his friend's torso and winced in sympathy as he watched him struggle to wrestle his top over his head. He reached out a hand and snagged the bottom of the t-shirt, pulling it all the way down. Danny turned and flashed him an obviously forced leer.

"Flack, you know I ain't that way inclined."

"You aren't my type Messer." Don retorted. "The blond thing you got goin' does nothing for me." He waited for the sarcastic comment or the witty remark but it never came. It never did these days.

"Beer?"

"Yeah."

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They sat in a quiet booth listening to the sounds of the football match coming from the screen nestled in the corner of the bar.

"Been fighting again?" Don tried. But all he got was a non-committal grunt.

"Danny, there isn't anything friendly about those matches you guys keep playing. What are you doing exactly out on that court?"

Danny slowly turned his head to stare at his friend. "Leave it Don."

But Don refused. "Every month, Danny, every month you guys go out on that court and pound the shit out of… why?"

Danny sighed. "At least if they do it _on_ the court they don't do it _off _the court. See what I'm sayin'?"

Don stared.

"I remember," he started slowly, "when we were still rookies, your apartment was broken into god knows how many times. You've broken your arm, your collarbone, your wrist – twice, and your ribs; and they're what I know about. You must be the unluckiest cop ever in the history of cops." He paused but Danny didn't respond.

Don stared at his friend.

"Just saying it's odd that's all." He raised his hands in mock surrender.

Danny refused to rise to the bait. He knew how Don worked.

Don refused to rise to the bait. He knew how Danny worked.

He shifted sideways to get out of the booth. Stood up to stretch his legs and reached down to slap Danny on the shoulder, "come on boyo, let's get some grub."

Danny couldn't stop the wince as his bruised body absorbed the none-too-gentle blow.

With that Don hauled him bodily out of the booth and dragged him forcibly outside. As soon as they had cleared the doors Don spun around and shoved him hard against the wall.

"What the fuck?! Are you out of your…"

"Am I stupid?" Don yelled. "Do I look stupid to you Messer?"

Shocked into speechlessness Danny just shook his head.

"Do I look stupid to you?" Don yelled again even louder. He shoved at Danny again. "Then for _fuck's_ sake you do something about this or I will, you understand me Messer? We're best friends for crying out loud. What hurts you hurts me. Get it?"

Mutely Danny nodded his head.

Suddenly drained, Don stepped forward and resting his palms against the wall either side of Danny's head, dropped his forehead against his briefly.

"Good." He murmured quietly. "Fine."

Danny finally raised his eyes and studied his best friend. He was deeply moved by what Don had said, but it was something he had come to find very hard to reciprocate, so tried to lighten the moment.

"You're not goin' to try an' kiss me are ya?" He asked, scrunching up his face.

Don laughed out loud and slapped him upside the head, then pulled him into a fierce hug.

Danny, this time, managed to mask the wince.

"I mean it. "Don murmured quietly. "You do something about this or I will."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: CSI:NY? Not mine.

This is a shortie.

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Stella had written up Flack's comments in as dispassionate and objective a tone as she could muster.

Every time she reached out to type she could see Don's face. She had tried to casually pry information from him but the guy was distraught and had immediately been suspicious when she had sidled up to him, subtly trying to probe him. The poor man had been convinced they had fished him out of the river.

Stella shivered. That was not going to happen.

She finished her report without her usual flourish and printed it, ready for Mac. She felt drained. She resisted dragging her hands through her hair in frustration; it made her look like a cartoon. Instead she spread her fingers wide and placed her hands flat on the desk, taking several deep breaths; trying to calm herself down.

_Don looked up from his work, his heart almost stopping at the look on Stella's face as she sat in the chair opposite him._

_He paled, "Stella, you've found him haven't you?" His voice, however alarmed he was, remained quiet, he wasn't going to bigmouth Danny's business over the precinct, whatever had happened._

_Stella reached out and squeezed his hand. "No Don, nothing as yet. But I was wondering…"_

"_What?"_

"_Well…"_

"_Stella you have the worst poker face in the Department, well, except for Danny, and he does that deliberately…"_

"_What! I do not!!… What do you mean?"_

"_Uh… Well, you have this little…"_

_Stella gave him _that_ look._

_Don hesitated. It couldn't hurt to drop a hint could it? "Well, let's just say that _some_ people around here don't like it if they think he's trying to get one over on them, so he tries to be obvious about everything. So they can't say anything. See what I mean?" He asked the last a little anxiously. Whilst he didn't want to give his friend anymore grief than he already had going on, he thought that Stella should be more aware of what Danny was going through with his own colleagues._

_Stella's eyes widened. "Oh… Oh, I didn't realise it was like that." She didn't want to pry any further than she had to but Don misread her, and thought she was going to brush it off he added, "and sometimes they don't even need that as an excuse…" She looked shocked. "Though you tell Danny and I'll…"_

"_No, no Don, not a word. I promise. Though you'd do what exactly?" Stella raised her eyebrow at him._

On a groan Stella dropped her head in her hands. Danny had been going through so much since he started as a cop and none of them had known anything about it. Well, only Don and he had almost had to beat the information out of him years afterward. Why hadn't he said something? Anything? She shook her head, somewhat resigned. _Because it's Danny._


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the delay - life gets in the way!!!

Thanks for the reviews. They really help.

Usual disclaimer - CSI:NY is not mine. Pants.

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Flack was staring intently at the timeline when Stella came into the lab that morning. She was all wind-blown and pink, her hair tucked under a hat and her raincoat firmly tied around her waist. She was full of energy, which had become a rarity during the last few days, and ready to start the new day with a fresh clear outlook. She deliberately dropped her umbrella and bags with a clatter making Flack, who was still in 'the zone,' jump.

"Geez Stella! I just lost ten years!" He joked.

Stella grinned at him cheerfully before giving him a hug. He looked like he needed it. Flack these days was starting to look like Danny had not so long ago – all rumpled and exhausted.

"What was that for?" Don asked in surprised pleasure his cheeks going slightly pink.

"Oh sweetheart, you just looked like you really really _really_ needed one." Stella held on tight, refusing to relinquish her hold when he started to shuffle his feet.

"Oh."

"Don't you 'Oh' me Don Flack. Sheesh. You two are peas in a pod, y'know that?"

Stella let go and instead studied his face, holding it between her hands, "You look after yourself you hear me? I can't lose you too." She stared at him hard, her eyes shiny and earnest.

Don's face went a deeper shade of pink and Stella finally dropped her hands, and moved away to study the timeline for herself.

"I think I've got most of it." She murmured half to herself half to Don. "Though who knows?"

Don sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "He couldn't sleep."

She glanced over her shoulder at the subdued tone. "I'm sorry?"

"He couldn't sleep. After Louie an' all, well, he had trouble sleeping. Spent all his time at work or in the hospital, he didn't sleep at all s'far as I could tell. When he was home he certainly didn't, would keep me up all night pacing the floor. Damn noisy. How can one man make so much noise just walking?"

Stella made a noncommittal noise, she could tell from his expression he wasn't after an answer.

"Shit." He tried to school his features back into his 'cop-face' but it wasn't working. "Then he started cutting back his time at the hospital. I guess he was trying… trying to not see Louie so much… tryin' to loosen the ties, 'specially after being told there was little chance left that he would make it."

Stella held back a quiet moan. She had hoped that Louie would eventually wake up; for Danny's sake as much as his own. But now…?

"Then… Aiden died and he lost one of his best friends. And, uh, then me, I guess. He was in that damn hospital almost non-stop after that…"

"Oh." Stella sat down with a strangled sob, emotion overwhelming her. "God Don, how many knocks can one guy take without breaking?"

Don sat down next to her, stroking her back in long comforting strokes. He had to finish. To get across just how many knocks theirguy _had_ taken, and then managed to stay standing, functioning, for what it was worth. "I guess then Lindsay left, which he took better than I expected to be honest, but he really misses her a lot." He paused. Swallowed. Waited for the reaction he knew would come. "Then. Well. Louie _died_…"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer - CSI:NY is not mine...

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Danny arrived at the hospital as soon as his workload had allowed. He had been forced to slip out of the lab this time, and Adam had promised to cover for him for as long as he could.

He had been doing this for so long now he could almost do the entire trip on autopilot and he almost smiled to himself at the thought as he threaded his way through the numerous doctors, nurses, patients and equipment that thronged the corridors of this part of the hospital.

He had already passed the nurses station and reached Louie's door when he finally heard his name being called. He was tempted to continue ignoring it, to hasten his pace and hurry through that door to the relative security and peace and quiet of his brother's room. But good manners prevailed and he stopped and turned to face the nurse that had followed him up the corridor. He almost flinched when she reached out to touch his arm.

One look at her face was all it took. One look to realise and have everything crash down around him, for his eyes to fill and his breath to hitch. That same look he had seen so many times before on the faces of his colleagues and no doubt he had worn himself; that look of sympathy, of concern, of pity and he could feel the awful reaction it provoked welling up inside of him all hot and burning and ready to churn out on the first person it could.

His vision seemed to tunnel and narrow so all he could see was that expression, his world shrinking until all it consisted of was that single look.

"No." It came out sounding thin and weak.

Sympathy shifted to understanding. "Detective Messer…"

"No…" He shook his head vehemently. "No."

Understanding shifted to concern as he roughly plucked her hand from his arm and he turned away from that face, that expression to push open the door.

He rushed headlong into the tiny room, his head spinning and his emotions a jumbled churning mass inside him.

Louie.

He lay there motionless as always, neatly tucked into blankets, his skin pale against the sheets and bandages. The scene was as familiar as always and his heart nearly leapt, a relieved grin almost lifted his features, except it was quiet. Too quiet. At first Danny couldn't place what was wrong, but then he realised.

The machines were silent. There was no reassuring beep from the heart monitor, no deep subdued whoosh from the ventilator. No muted electrical hum.

Nothing.

Danny stared at his brother blindly for what seemed like an eon, all of his focus willing something to happen. Anything. But nothing happened and eventually Danny simply sank into the bedside chair. He felt numb. All those emotions that had been rushing around inside of him only moments ago had simply disappeared. Evaporated and now he was left feeling like he had been hulled out, cored like an apple.

He felt empty.


	8. Chapter 8

Stella had reached the point where she knew she had to bite the bullet and talk to Mac about what she had discovered so far. She finally tracked him down in a meeting with Sheldon Hawkes and she hesitated outside the door, unwilling to interrupt.

Eventually she lightly tapped on the sparkling glass.

"Mac, I really need to speak with you…" She glanced at Hawkes apologetically, though he didn't appear too bothered at the interruption.

Mac gestured for her to come in. "We've just been talking about that..."

Stella was thrown enough for her surprise to show on her face. She had known Danny's absence would be of concern to his friends and colleagues but she hadn't thought Mac would actually break with the habit of a lifetime and talk about it with someone.

The two men exchanged a look. "We weren't gossiping Stella. I've just handed in my report from his last case." Hawkes offered.

Stella quirked an eyebrow, unsure as to why Hawkes would have written a report on a case he had had no involvement in and just how it related to their current situation.

Mac reached out to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder as she sat down next to him and Hawkes nervously cleared his throat. "Stella. Your latest case – the crime scene? Danny took out the perp., he arrested him and called for the EMTs for you, and, well, he was stabbed…"

Stella would have been instantly on her feet but for Mac's hand on her shoulder keeping her in her chair. "He was hurt? Was it serious? Why didn't he say something?!" She swung around to face Mac, "why didn't _you_ say something?"

Mac's face remained impassive. "He didn't say anything to me either. I found out about it when I read Hawkes's report." His face may have been impassive but to Stella's trained eye he didn't look too happy.

"He was fine." Hawkes continued. "I stitched him up. Followed procedure and wrote the whole thing up, took his clothes and the report and entered it into evidence and then, eventually, reported it to Mac."

"I don't know what happened Stella, I can only tell you what Danny put in his report and what Hawkes put in his." Mac was characteristically reticent, unwilling to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. "_And_ what you put in your own report about that day. We need to know fully what's happened - especially with regard to your uh 'investigation' and see if it explains what's happened."

Stella nodded. "Well that is why I came to talk to you. I have been through Danny's cell," she looked at Hawkes when his look of surprise caught her eye, "yes, he left it here, and I've been through his locker, his desk and his computer as well. I asked Flack to help me flesh out a timeline for this past year; Danny has been through a pretty terrible period and maybe this case was the last straw."


	9. Chapter 9

The warehouse looked ominous. Its entrance a cavernous gaping maw that seemed to swallow the flood of afternoon light that lit the street outside. Danny and Stella shivered. Then grinned at each other in good humour and tried to shake off the chill that crept along their spines.

A tall, lanky plainclothes detective approached the pair, notebook in hand, holding his coat closed against the bitter wind.

"According to Officer O'Malley" he gestured at one of the uniformed cops standing by the nearby squad car, "the scene is secure. We have an unidentified male, estimated to be in his late fifties, found dead in the warehouse at 10:45. Took a while to call it in, kid who found him was sick as a dog at first. But not, you'll be relieved to know, all over your crime scene. Kid made it outside, passed out and called it in when he came round. He's being checked over. "

Walking from such brilliant sunshine into the dimly lit warehouse rendered the pair momentarily blind, and Stella had to stop abruptly after only a few feet, Danny cursed as he almost walked straight into her, and their cases clanged together loudly in the silence.

He scrambled backwards as she took a slow step further into the darkness, flicking on her maglite and creating a pool of light that only seemed to plunge the rest into an even darker inky blackness.

"Oh _come on._ There must be some lights around here somewhere…" Stella swore as she nearly tripped over the debris that littered the dusty floor.

Danny moved away sweeping his own maglite across the wall to his right, he could hear Stella to his left stumbling and swearing and he grinned widely, not needing to hide it in the pitch black. He swung the beam of light further along the wall and then quickly swung it back again.

"Hey, Stell, I think I might have something here…"

He pulled on the switch; grateful he had put his gloves on before he had entered the building.

At first nothing happened, then slowly, from somewhere in the heights of the rafters came the angry buzzing of lights. It turned the black to dirty grey; the two CSIs peered at their surroundings.

"Danny?" Stella whispered urgently.

"Yeah?" His voice was a low murmur off to her right.

"Didn't the Detective say there was _a_ body?"

"Yeah."

"So why have we got two?"

She carefully set her case down and reached to unclip her weapon as the second 'body' surged to its feet and headed toward her in a crouched run.

The dim light glinted off the knife in his hand and she froze.

For a second all she could see was Frankie coming at her and it froze her blood, her breath clogged in her lungs and bile stung her throat, her heart beat so hard it felt as though it were about to leap out of her chest.

Danny swung around at the piercing scream and had only a second to register a crumpled Stella before he found himself on the floor and wrestling for the knife he could see gripped in their assailant's hand. He saw red, felt the burn of anger and the rush of adrenaline. He forgot about his gun and surged over the other man, grunting with the effort as his hands gripped tightly around the arms poised over his head. He groaned as they rolled over and over again and this time when they stopped he found himself underneath the writhing man, who was screaming in anger and defiance. Danny's blood pounded in his veins and his breath came in harsh gasps. Suddenly, the other man moved and the arm holding the knife disappeared between their bodies and Danny scrambled madly to regain his grip. Desperately trying to twist out of the other man's hold, he heard his holster hit the floor and he finally remembered his gun. Suddenly he was torn between fighting for the knife and reaching for his weapon and his momentary indecision cost him. Danny felt the heat and the burn as the knife pierced his skin and the agonising pain that followed, and he screamed in pain and anger. Filled with the instinctive desperate need to survive he clawed and wrenched at the hand that still gripped the knife, and millimetre by painful millimetre forced the hand away from his body. He felt the knife slide out from between his ribs and gritted his teeth against the white spots that threatened to fill his vision. They rolled again, and again the man managed to force his hands between them. Danny saw the man's eyes fill with hate moments before with what seemed like superhuman effort he forced them to roll again.

This time when the knife slid into flesh it stayed there.

Danny felt him jerk, he saw his eyes widen and then roll back. Eventually he felt the body under him sag into unconsciousness.

He rolled off the body and lay on the floor, his back against the cold concrete and tried to force air into his lungs without aggravating the vicious knife wound in his side. He struggled against the encroaching tunnelling of his vision, forcing his eyes wide and ignoring the stabbing agony gulped in deep cleansing breaths.

Stella.

With a low moan he rolled away and half crawled, half stumbled to the still form that lay crumpled only yards from him. He reached out with a trembling hand and checked her pulse. It was strong and steady. Danny sagged in relief and ignoring the excruciating pain radiating from his side gently gathered her up in his arms and rocked her.

"You're okay, you're okay" he repeated dully.


	10. Chapter 10

Stella looked up from Mac's final report and turned to face the two men who looked solemn, their faces concerned and a little wary, and not just for Danny.

"Oh. Well. I see." Stella was uncharacteristically lost for words and a few tears worked their way loose and dripped down her cheek.

What could she possibly add to what she had read? But now she had read it, it explained why Danny had finally reached the limit of his endurance and gone under. Losing Aiden and his brother, losing Lindsey if only temporarily and nearly losing his best friend – a man could take all of those things if dealt them as single blows over a greater period of time, but one after the other? In less than a year? No-one could withstand that kind of emotional and psychological assault. Knowing Danny, his way of coping would have been to throw himself into his job and this time it had been the worst thing he could have done and had made things much much worse.

After a long silence she felt she had to say something.

"He's dead."

Mac went as white as sheet and sagged back into his chair. Hawkes shot to his feet, his chair clattering to the floor behind him.

"What?!"

"What the…?!"

Stella shot to her feet and reached out to grab Hawkes before he could disappear out of the door. Her hand snagged his shirt and he spun around to face her, his entire being tense with anxiety and distress.

"_I'm sorry_. I'm sorry. Hawkes! It's not… Danny… I don't mean Danny. I'm sorry."

Hawkes sank back into his chair, his legs suddenly weak and shaky, as Mac righted it under him.

"Stella." Mac's voice was overly calm and controlled an obvious sign of his inner turmoil. "I really think you need to explain what you have just said."

"Louie." Her throat tried to close up. "He lost Louie." Another tear slipped down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away. "Flack told me earlier today that Louie Messer died 2 weeks ago."

Mac stared at her, his face slack with shock and Hawkes dropped his head into his hands. There was a heavy silence and none of them were willing to break it. The three of them sat wrapped in their own thoughts for what seemed an age, each processing their own reactions and emotions, too wrapped up for the moment to speak up or speak out.

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Adam looked through the glass walls of Mac's office. He had rushed the results of Mac's latest case and having already had the urgency of it impressed upon him was anxious not to dither. He could see the three detectives sat around Mac's desk but they didn't appear to be talking and so he took a chance on knocking.

"Uh. Mac? I have those uh, results you wanted. You… you're not going to believe…"

He didn't get to finish his sentence as Mac lumbered to his feet and strode heavily across toward him ushering him backwards out of the door. At first he thought he was going to close the door in his face but Mac stepped into the corridor and gently closed the door behind him.

The look on Adam's face, had he been in the mood to analyse it, was a picture of apprehension and terror.

"Uh, your uh, results came back from the Hinchcliffe case? They're negative. The DNA isn't a match. I know you uh, wanted them ASAP…" Adam trailed off at the look on Mac's face.

Mac scowled. His focus wasn't really on his case but on Danny, and he was torn between the job and his friend, for the first time he considered throwing the case to someone else to complete and getting it out of the way. His thought miles away, he nodded absently to Adam.

"Thanks. I appreciate…" Mac paused. "Wait a minute Adam; I thought when I last spoke to you that you were backlogged?"

Adam almost stuttered "Uh, well I uh, had some help."

"Help? You haven't processed any paperwork for…" Mac was confused.

"Well, uh, no, uh, it was Detective Messer. He, uh… Have I done something wrong?" Adam gulped.

"Danny helped out? Just how long has this been going on?" Mac was still confused. Just when had Danny had the time to do overtime in the lab? Had he even been home in the last few months?

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Hawkes watched Stella trying to work her way through what she had learned. Her face was not as impassive as she thought and most of the time her emotions could be clearly read on her face.

"I'm sorry Stella. I should have…"

"No." Stella interrupted. She couldn't blame Hawkes. Danny was good at eliciting promises to hide injuries from Mac. Hell. She had done it herself for him a time or two.

"It's fine Hawkes. You're not the only one who's done it. I guess I just wish he had said something himself and not left us to find out this way."


	11. Chapter 11

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is. It's all my fault."

He sighed. "No, it isn't."

"Yes it is." His tone was self-recriminating. "I shouldn't have left her on her own."

"What are you? Five? You didn't leave her you switched a light on. The cops should have secured the scene." He was getting annoyed.

"I still shouldn't have left her. I should have insisted…"

"Do you even know Stella?" He was amused.

Danny stubbornly shook his head. "It's my fault. I'm just so damn tired these days." He reached up to rub his eyes. "I must have missed something."

Hawkes looked up from stitching Danny's side. Danny had wanted to avoid getting sent to the ER and so they were using Hawkes's first aid kit and hiding out in Sid's office. "Don't do this to yourself. It was the cop's fault and if I know Mac at all that cop's going to wish he'd never been born." His gentle hands belied his anger as he smoothed a bandage over the stitches.

Hawkes rested his hands on Danny's shoulders and squeezed, exerting enough pressure that he looked up.

"It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. _Got it?"_

Danny just looked at him with that wretched expression.

Hawkes sighed. You could never get through to Danny when he was in this mood, he knew that much about him. He picked up the torn and bloody top from the bed and handed Danny the scrub top he had pinched from Sid's cupboard.

"I'll log these in with the rest of the evidence. If Mac sees you he'll pitch a fit and cart you off to the ER to join Stella. Just… stay here and wait for me. I'll grab you some medication while I'm gone. You need something for the pain and against infection."

Danny carefully put the top on, trying not to jar his side, which throbbed like a… and sank down onto the bed. He could do with a nap, hell; he could do with any kind of sleep right now. He hadn't been able to sleep properly for weeks. He just had to hope Hawkes was quicker than Sid.

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Hawkes beat Sid back to the office by scant minutes. Enough time to rouse Danny and usher him out of the room as Hammerback came through the doors all tangled up in his lab coat. Hawkes kept his gaze on his disorientated friend and avoided eye contact with Sid, almost dragging the still sleepy Danny behind him as he rushed through the doors, hoping Hammerback wouldn't want to stop and talk. He didn't, just watched them with a raised eyebrow. Then he turned back... And saw the state of his office.

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Hawkes set Danny down in the office he shared with Lindsay and handed over the packets of pills. "I've written the instructions down on the packets. Don't even think about not taking them or I'm going to go straight to Stella."

Danny winced.

Hawkes, who was by now supremely irritated and in no mood to be messed with, decided to take it as assent. "I have to leave. I promised Mac I would go to the warehouse and help him process the scene. We'll be back in a few hours and don't forget - you need to write your report of what happened."

Danny winced again. It was something he was not looking forward to. _Damn Internal Affairs rat-bast…_

Hawkes chose to ignore _that_ one. "Stella should be back in about an hour. Mac insisted she go to the hospital but you know Stella. Once she's checked out she'll be straight back here. Probably try and barbecue the guy so don't let her anywhere near the bullpen if you can."

Danny looked up at that, surprised. "I thought he would have gone to the hospital?"

Hawkes shook his head. "No. They patched him up and sent him down to interrogation. You didn't carve him up that badly." He paused. "You need to practice."

They grinned at each other.

At Danny's smile, Hawkes relaxed a little. That side of Danny had been missing for quite a while and it was a relief to have it back. Even if only briefly.


	12. Chapter 12

He had put it off for hours, not actually wanting to read it, but eventually Mac read the final 'report'. He was shocked, completely and utterly staggered; he unconsciously echoed her earlier exclamation. _How many knocks can one guy take without breaking? _And how did he hide it from everyone for so long?

Mac felt physically ill. As Danny's boss he was responsible for him and for his well-being, as his friend he simply felt for him. And it seems he had failed on both counts to really see what was going on in the young man's life. Hell, they had all been through a lot these past months and nobody had seemingly been spared; Danny especially. If he himself had had an abysmal year Danny's must have been a hundred times worse and still, no-one had noticed. Maybe that was why; they had all been too wrapped up in their own miseries, too busy trying to cope themselves to have anything left over for someone else.

Mac sighed and gently closed the folder as if it were fragile, handling it carefully as he locked it away.

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He found Stella in her office with Hawkes and Don, having a conference call – and from what he could hear it could have only been Danny's mother.

Don grunted. "Just try and stop me now I know where the little…"

Stella opened her mouth to interrupt but Hawkes uncharacteristically beat her to it, "I hate to say it but I don't think we should rush this."

Stella looked at him in puzzlement, and then it dawned. "So we don't overwhelm him, you mean?"

Hawkes nodded. "It wouldn't be fair. He clearly needs this time to heal and it would be wrong to jeopardise that just because we need to see him."

Mac chose that point to speak up, startling Stella a little as she hadn't yet noticed him.

"We could take shifts." He ignored Don's frustrated look. "When he's asleep." He broke off at the look Stella gave him and turned to speak to her more directly. "We still need to work during the day as we are two CSIs down and I can't afford to lose anyone else. We could go see him for an hour or so whilst he's asleep, if only to reassure ourselves he's okay. Then when he's a bit sturdier we can see him during the day."

The group all nodded emphatically. To a person, they all desperately wanted to see him but also understood if they wanted him back they needed to give him this time for himself.


	13. Chapter 13

They took their turns, sitting quietly with him for their allotted hour. At first it was like visiting a sick friend in the hospital, but after a little while they each settled into a routine, unique to themselves and their character and their relationship with him. Danny himself would simply just lie there sound asleep, his exhaustion evident. Occasionally he would get restless and toss and turn and if he did they would freeze, unsure of what to do. Sometimes he would sob as if his heart was broken until they had to leave the room in tears themselves.

Flack spent his time on the floor holding his friend's hand. Not talking but hoping Danny would wake, so they could. Hawkes would lie on the floor and meditate, occasionally patting his friend's shoulder. Stella didn't settle for the floor. She would sit with him quietly, not moving, until she was absolutely positive she hadn't disturbed him and then would gently stroke her hand through his hair, the physical contact reassuring her he was there; that he was okay.

Mac would sit in the rickety chair that was still tucked in the corner from when Danny was a child and just sit and stare at him, like something under a microscope. As if by doing so he would understand everything and the find the solution.

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Mac had finished his work and Stella was sat in her place on the bed. They had joined forces for the night after a particularly harrowing shift and had decided they both needed the comfort of that quiet hour. She had almost nodded off, her hand still lightly resting on Danny's head, which was tucked down almost completely underneath the covers.

Mac eventually stood up and stretched the kinks out of his spine and started studying the memorabilia from Danny's childhood on the shelves that covered the walls of his bedroom. He looked at the one photo he had seen in the room of the two brothers, arms slung casually around each other's shoulders, grinning ear-to-ear. They could have only been very young. Danny looked tiny and innocent; sparkling clear blue eyes staring adoringly at his brother.

He sighed. Danny couldn't have been much older when the innocence wore off and the reality of life dulled the sparkle. He shook his head slowly. Danny had never lost that spark. He had always been almost childish in his pursuit of right, of moral if not wholly legal justice. He hadn't lost the spark as he had grown up either but he had lost it as an adult; in the face of his career, surrounded by the crud and criminals, the dirt and the death of the City. It was the price he had paid for doing his job.

Stella felt it before she heard it; the hitch of breath underneath her hand, the slight shudder of the ribcage. She gently stroked his head; finger brushing his hair away from his forehead and it was when he leaned his forehead into her hand that she finally realised. He was awake.

Her hand stilled momentarily before resuming the gentle brushing.

"Mac," Her voice was low, but Danny still tensed underneath her hand. "Mac, why did you not say something to him? To stop him leaving? Why did you not say _something_?"

Mac turned to face her leaning back on the door, surprised she had chosen now to ask and unaware that Danny had awakened, and pondered her question.

"Honestly?" He said after a while. "I guess he just took me by surprise. It… It shames me to say it but it came out of the blue. A complete and utter shock. I never thought it would ever be a scenario I would have to deal with. Danny… For Danny it has always been the job. Nothing else has ever come close. He, for his faults, is one of my best CSIs; he's intelligent, quick-witted, intuitive, loyal, and honest. I would never have let him go had I had a chance to do stop him. But I wasn't quick enough and I will always regret that."

He dropped his gaze to the form tucked under the blankets.

"He dropped a bomb Stella, and I couldn't seem to react in time. I let it blow up in my face and I lost one of my best men."

Stella looked up and into his anguished face.

"It can't be too late Mac. I can't believe that Danny wouldn't give you the chance to make it right. He looks up to you and respects you far too much to not let you say your piece."

Mac nodded hesitantly. "I can only hope so Stella." He stood upright slowly feeling a deep ache in his bones. "I'll meet you downstairs. I need to talk with Mrs Messer."

Stella nodded and waited until the door had closed softly behind him.

"Danny?"

She felt more than heard his acknowledgement as he moved against her hand.

"Danny, we love you. So much. We. Are. So. Sorry we let you down. We just want you to be all right. Okay?"

After a few moments she felt him nod.

As Stella left that evening she could only hope it was enough.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a long time coming but Mac and Danny were finally facing each other over the scarred table in Danny's mother's kitchen.

Mac, for once, had dropped his habitual impassive mask and looked concerned as Danny again rubbed at his eyes, careful not to dislodge his glasses.

Danny sighed. He looked down at the cup of coffee in his hands and thought about his answer to Mac's quietly murmured question.

How had it made him feel?

"I lost everythin' to that job. My family, my brother, my best friend and I felt so _angry_, so helpless, and absolutely furious that the best things in my life had… and there was nothin' I could do. My family and friends, they are everythin' to me Mac. Yeah, I gave up my family for this job but I knew deep down that they understood and supported it and that they would always be here for me." His head drooped again, his chin almost resting on his chest as he stared into his coffee.

"I guess I worked so hard to get so much more from what I had left; my friends, and my job, and if anythin' happens I always want to step in and do something to protect that," he almost smiled, his lips twisting wryly," even if it isn't what I should do. I remember when Aiden… when she went on this date once, and Don and I followed her… Man, she was furious afterward. We didn't like the look of the guy and, well, I guess the gut instinct paid off 'cos the guy was a sleaze. I knew she could take him, could deal with him, but I felt better for being the one that did." He paused to collect himself.

"But when she was," his breath hitched, "killed. Murdered. There was nothing I could do. Nothin' 'cept for picking up the fuckin' pieces. I know that doing that, bein' part of that, put the bastard away, but it didn't feel _enough_. Suddenly the job couldn't fill those gaps and I tried harder, worked harder but I couldn't reconcile the results with what it cost." He paused and looked up, straight at Mac and his eyes burned brilliantly and wetly. "Aiden was such a beautiful, energetic, bright… and sometimes I still go to call her, still think of her as just being out of sight, just around the next corner and then I remember that she isn't and it all comes rushing back in on me…" He broke off his voice shaking. "And Louie too…"

Mac reached out and grabbed Danny's hand as it shook. He couldn't seem to swallow around the lump in his throat. He wasn't a man who easily showed his emotions, but when he spoke his voice also shook. He wasn't comfortable at all with the situation he had found himself in but he knew he had to give Danny something.

"Danny, I know I should have said this when you came to me. Before. That I should have told you all along. I'm going to say it now and I want you to believe me. You know I don't lie. To anyone." He looked at the younger man until Danny raised his eyes to meet his and finally nodded. "You are one of my best CSIs. You are sharp, perceptive, insightful, loyal, and honest. You are and exceed everything I want and need from the 'men' under me. In some ways Danny, you would have made crap marine, but I think, in others, you would have made one hell of one, and I am proud that you are one of my team."

Danny was speechless, but Mac ignored his grateful look and continued.

"Aiden was a good CSI. We were never friends like you were and I don't think we ever would have been. But please don't think that I was never hurt by her loss. That I never felt anything when she died." He coughed. "I know exactly how it feels to lose someone. Someone you are so very close to. I guess, I just expect people to be able… to be like me, and I shouldn't. I shouldn't assume because I am coping others are too."

He paused. His mind racing, searching for what to say that would be enough for the younger man. Enough to help ease his hurt in some way and start the healing process.

"She isn't really gone Danny. She will always be there in your heart and in your memories. You keep her alive. While that is true she will never be completely gone."

It was Danny's turn to try to swallow the lump in his throat.


	15. Chapter 15

The lab was cool, calm and quiet. Its airy corridors empty of the usual suspects and its labs curiously mute. As Mac slowly wound his way through to his office he worried that his start to the day had been unusually late and he must have missed the usual mayhem that heralded the crossover from night to day shifts. Though that didn't wholly account for the lack of bodies.

As he approached the break room however, his brooding was interrupted by the raucous gales of laughter that pealed out of the open door. He smiled unconsciously and his mood lifted. He poked his head around the doorframe in time to see Stella collapse in giggles as Flack helped her down from a stool perched in the middle of the room. His eyebrow shot up in bemusement and he was nearly distracted by the pair but his gaze travelled upwards spotting the decorations and the banner that the two had been trying to hang. It hung limply from one corner but he could make out the wording. _Welcome home Lindsay!!_

He breathed a sigh of relief. He had promised Danny that his return would be as unobtrusive as possible and he had been keeping his fingers crossed that Stella would honour it also. It looked like she was; all her current efforts were in welcoming Lindsay back from Montana and hopefully it would also provide a timely distraction from Danny's return.

"Mac!" He had been spotted.

He moved cautiously into the room. "Looking good, but don't go overboard."

"Overboard? Moi?" She tried for innocent but she couldn't quite quell the grin. Flack hid his own behind a hand, which resulted in him looking more like a naughty schoolboy than a 30-something detective, and he pinked when Mac raised an amused eyebrow at his efforts.

Mac nodded. "Yes you, Stella." He nodded to the banner. "Need a hand putting that up?" It was said with more than a little reluctance and Stella knew him well enough to hear it.

"No, that's okay Mac, Flack is, um, helping with that." She shot a grin at her co-conspirator.

Flack cleared his throat. "We figured if we make enough of a fuss, nobody would notice Danny sneaking in through the back. Though he did mention coming back tomorrow to get to grips with a few things."

Mac nodded. "Well, I'll have a word with him about it when I call him later. Good work on the decorating Stella, just, no more okay?"

She just grinned.

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Danny was tired. Having a couple of weeks off really knocked your ability to work a full shift, but it was a good tired; a 'had a busy and constructive day and I made a difference' kind of tired. He grinned and thought about trying to pat himself on the back for making it through to the end but he didn't think he was up to it so he settled for a cup of the fresh piping hot coffee someone had helpfully put on to perk.

It was revealing about just how tired he was that he didn't notice his head begin to droop and he missed Stella coming up behind him, he jerked his head up from its resting place on his forearms when he felt her hand gently on his shoulder. He scrunched his face up at her with bleary eyes; missing his glasses and he looked so cute with his hair sticking up all over the place.

"You still here kiddo?" Her voice was deliberately casual in deference to his wish to be treated as 'normal' as possible, something she was finding very difficult in the face of his tiredness.

"Waiting for some results. Adam should be finished with them in a sec." He frowned slightly. "He won't let me anywhere near…" He stopped abruptly as a yawn threatened to snap his jaw.

Stella grinned. "Of course not. I think he's afraid if Mac catches you in there he'll…"

"Stel! Have you seen…? Oh! There you are." Flack, looking somewhat dishevelled after his own shift, tried not to sound relieved as he spotted his friend propped up against one the tables in the room. He watched carefully as the other man trying to keep his eyes open and desperately gulping down the last of the coffee in his hand. "Are you up for pizza with Hawkes and Adam? Interested Stella? Our place?"

Danny peered at his friend suspiciously but Don maintained his innocent expression and it cleared at Stella's indignant but amused retort.

"Ha! You just want a cheap waitress for the night! And a cleaner for afterward I bet! No thanks!!" She chuckled at Don's disappointed but also somewhat guilty expression and patted his shoulder as she sidled out past him through the doorway. "I'm off for a hot bath! Enjoy your evening!" She laughed at Don's expression, knowing full well the mental image she had just left him with.

Flack watched her walk down the corridor hips swaying, and then swung back in time to catch Danny nodding off again. His long legs ate up the short distance, and he reached his friend in time to catch the cup from nerveless fingers and used his body to block Danny from sliding off the stool.

Don sighed. "Wake up, bud." He poked at the unresponsive Danny until he groaned. "Stuff the pizza – you're going straight to bed." He nudged Danny from the seat until his wobbly legs hit the floor and together they shuffled sluggishly off.

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Mac watched from his window as the pair climb clumsily into a cab before turning back to his desk, piled high in paperwork. He stared at morosely for a moment before sighing deeply. Sod it. Danny had shown him just how short life was, and how precious. The paperwork could wait.

Striding purposefully over to his desk he quickly powered down his computer and grabbed his jacket. If he got out of the building quickly enough he knew he wouldn't be tempted to go back and do _just a little bit more._ He smiled wryly to himself. No. He had decided to make some changes and he was sticking to his resolution. Maybe Adam or Hawkes was up for a beer?

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I hope this was okay? I meant to finish this so long ago but I got kind of distracted... ;-)

Please review!!!


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